You’re in Mexico with her right now. I happened across your updated Facebook photo. You’re smiling, with her beside you. It stopped my heart.
On one hand, it’s nice to see that smile. The one I fell in love with.
On the other hand, you left me for her. She who at one time was my friend. Sure you say you left me because you needed to fix your head. That you needed to downsize your responsibility.
Why do I even cry about this shit. You lied to me, cheated on me, manipulated me and broke my heart.
I mourn still for the future I’m not going to have with you. It sucks being told I’m better off. It’s so confusing trying to reconcile my past with your lies & deceptions.
Still, I want you around. I thought I knew you. I thought I knew me.
Turns out that I don’t.
Some days I feel like I can take on the world & other days I just want to crawl into a cave. He has power over me, even now.
I really just want to move on, start being happy again. It kills me every time I think about them together, while I suffer alone.
I circle through all the feelings, I feel the tears roll down my face while I grit my teeth. I don’t want this anymore.
I don’t want this pain, this knowledge. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worth it. That I was never worth it.
Why is it so hard to believe that I don’t want to hurt the people that have hurt me?
I have flickers of anger but there’s no reason to be angry all the time. I don’t want to waste that energy on something futile.
So lost in who I am now. All these faces I show, I don’t know which one is the truth.
We all have them. Some bigger or more damaging than others.
I’ve led a pretty open life. I wear my heart on my sleeve, tell it like it is and go forth with as much kindness as I can.
There’s just a few things, that happened in my teens, that I wish didn’t happen. I wish I could change. I’ve buried these memories deep, dark down. I don’t tell anyone about them. I don’t tell any of the shrinks, friends or family. I just don’t.
I told him that I had deep dark secrets tonight. Now he wants to know. Now he wants me to let them out from where they’re stored so it satisfies his curiosity. Parts of me are angry at this, parts of me really want to tell him, parts of me just want to crawl into a cave & forget, again.
The past is the past, let it stay there.